Meanwhile, Back at the Lab

I had called my friends for drinks because I was just coming off a strange day. It wasn't a bad day, mind you, but rather a very good day that left me with nothing but questions. Needless to say, they all revolved around a woman.

Mark and Jason met me right on time. I had arrived early, though, so I was finishing up beer number two when they arrived. Jason gave me a knowing look, but I'm sure he assumed I was well past three drinks at that point. Jason has always thought of me as more of a child of vice than I am. I think most people do, actually. If they only knew that my nights at home were spent sober and alone with a home-cooked meal and a video game controller. Actually, I hope they never know that.

But I digress; they sat down at the bar on either side of me and ordered a drink from the bartender we all continually salivated over night after night in this shithole we spent more time at than most everywhere else. None of us had counted the hours spent here versus our own apartments, and I think we were scared to in the end since the result would favor the bar. Mark started with the obviously crass question I always loved him for asking, "So I can see it's a girl this time. You fuck her yet?"

"No Mark, no I didn't. It might surprise you to learn that I didn't fuck her because I actually like this one."

Jason, of course, seemed skeptical about my statement and retorted, "What, like, dinner and a movie shit? You gonna buy her flowers and cook her dinners and go for walks in the park? Oh shit, are you gonna pack a picnic lunch? Come on, man, you and I both know that ain't you."

"We only met after I became single again. That was three years ago, but let's all just accept that you don't know what I'm like when I'm actually smitten with someone, OK? Alright, yeah, I hate that dinner and a movie shit, but I do cook. A lot, and I think it makes a great date."

"You just said smitten," Mark pointed out.

"Ah, hell, I did, didn't I?"

"It's official; we have to take your balls now," Mark joked, "but, if it's like that then what's the problem? I mean, I somehow doubt you'd ask us to go get shitfaced if you just met a girl with promise."

I stirred a finger in the head of my fourth beer and watched the foam retreat away from the salt on my finger. I thought about the last few days and how to explain it in a way they could understand when I barely understood it myself. "We've been on a couple dates. She's beautiful, she's fantastic, and she likes cartoons, you know? It's just that it's really hard to get a hold of her and then we make out for a couple hours at the end of the night, and then she's gone and I never knew how much of it was the liquor. Still, this last time we were both sober so I know it's not that, but then what is it, and I'm thinking it's-"

"Boyfriend?" Jason asked.

"Yeah, that's what I thought too, but it's definitely not. I went out with a few of her friends. I asked. She's totally single."

"OK," Mark said looking up from his drink, "Here's what we know: She's single, flaky, but is attracted to you. She obviously likes spending time with you otherwise she wouldn't. Furthermore, we know that she's not really using you for sex, because, you know, you haven't, because you're a sucker. So she might have like, a horrible STD. More likely is that she just works a lot. Most likely, sadly, is that she's dating around. She knows that you're not gonna work out long-term, but there's just something about you that keeps her coming back. Jason?"

Jason took a long pull off his beer that one could only call contemplative. He straightened up and looked dead at me. "Concurred."

"Well fuck. Anything further gentlemen?"

"Meh," Mark shrugged, "all isn't lost. I'd tell you not to wait around for her or anything, but if you like spending time with her there's no reason to stop. Just keep your hopes and shit in check. She likes you, so maybe she'll change her mind."

"Especially if you fuck her," Jason added.

I looked at the lot of us in the bar mirror. We had our drinks in hand and everyone had such a serious and thoughtful look on their face. I started laughing in the kind of boisterous laugh that makes the whole bar look around and try to piece together what was so damn funny.

"Look at us! We're the scientists down in the fucking lab! We're the world leaders in the fallout shelter trying to figure out whether to drop the bomb!"

Jason began laughing about as hysterically as I was. Mark chuckled a bit and said "La fin du Monde."

"What the fuck does that even mean?" Jason asked in his own little, 'the hell are you not speaking American?' type of indignant tone.

"For starters, it's the name of the beer I'm drinking. It's French for 'the end of the world.' Funny thing, though, is that it's in the feminine form of speech, so it's kinda saying the end of the world will be because of a woman."

I looked down at what was now the end of my 6th beer. "Fuckin' A," I responded, "Hell with it. Let's get wrecked."